Awakened Man's World: Letting Go

I was walking to work today thinking about all the things I need to let go of so I can change my life and make me a better person. Coughing slightly because of grief that has settled into my lungs, a seeming boundless grief that knows no relief, a deep one that seems to encompass and reflect many lifetimes.

A few of the items I was thinking needed changing were the:

notion that I can significantly help anyone but myself
idea of the loss of my once youthful physical body
tendency to worry about the illusory real world of diving economies, increasing warfare and hatred, and global disease
fear of my own death (which equals the fear of my own rebirth)
belief that sex, drugs or rock & roll can help me escape the illusory real world by providing an alternate illusory real world that is somehow better

And as I am thinking these noble thoughts, a man comes up to me with his arm outstretched. He seems to be of Everyman descent and he has a sparkle in his eyes that indicates he is coming directly from visiting God/dess (or, as my mother would say, on drugs).

"Help me," he says, "I'm hungry and have no place to go."

"Sorry," I say to him without even blinking.

And then I have passed him.

I look back a minute later and there is no evidence of the beggar. And all at once, I am wracked with guilt, fear, concern, and a thousand forms of sorry.

What if that man actually is God/dess?
What if it was a test?
Suppose he wasn't just a hustler like me in my younger days?
Maybe he was telling the truth!
How pathetic that I want to change my life and can't even help one poor Soul?

And frankly, my ego loves to play these imaginary games with me.

One minute I was thinking about giving up the "notion that I can significantly help anyone but myself" -- and the next minute my ego tosses a needy soul in my path. What better test of my own resolve than to feed me my own fears in concrete, physical form?

Yes, the beggar was no doubt real; but the shear coincidence, serendipity even, of his appearance in my life at that moment was truly cause for pause and suspicion.

After all, I create my own reality -- good, bad, and neutral. Maybe I even manifest "tests" for my own guilty, grieving conscience.

This apparent truth is another reason for me to let go of the very illusions I create or allow others to create for me.

And so it seems (today) to be.

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