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Friday, April 13, 2012

Florida Skies and Absolute Knowing

Unless something unforeseen happens at closing, the sale of the apartment I have lived in for nearly 20 years will be completed sometime between 10:00 and 11:00 a.m. on Thursday, April 19, 2012.  At that time, whether the sale goes through or not, I will be on a plane flying to my new  home, Ft. Lauderdale.

Once in Ft. Lauderdale, I will pick up my rental car and drive to my new one-room apartment -- which I have for roughly two months.  During the days and weeks to follow, I will get a post office box, a driver's license, scout out possible employment opportunities, and really start scoping things out ... neighborhoods, homes, things-to-do, promises to keep, and etc.

So how do I feel about all of this?  Not as good as I thought I might; but I absolutely know that will all change once I land in Florida.

Right now I am more stressed than I have felt in a long, long time.  It's weird, because there really isn't anything that stressful going on -- on the surface -- but internally, it feels overwhelming.  I'm having the worst back muscle spasms -- nearly crippling -- which keeps me from sleeping deeply.  I'm supposed to be packing -- but can't seem to get anything done.  Next week I have to bring things to Comcast, go to sign settlement documents, and greet the movers -- who will take my few remaining things to Florida for me.

I don't feel like there's enough time for it all.

On the level of pure awareness, I know everything is going to be great; but there is a part of me that just abhors change and is trying to convince myself that all is not well.  But it is really great.  In seven days I will land in Florida and everything will change -- no doubt for the best.  It will be different and take some getting used to; but the Washington, DC cash drain will finally be gone.

For those who don't know, let me explain that a move costs you a lot on so many levels and in so many ways; it's like I have been feeling as if everybody and their grandmother wants to get a tiny piece of my skinny wallet ... and that they feel entitled to have an emotional piece of me, too ... from the realtors to the lawyers to the buyer of the house.  The truth is that this is just my disgruntled ego harping.

Most of these people are just part of the whole process that I need to move through as I leave from one place and alight at another.  I know that everything is okay.  I just need to ignore the egoic fears and baloney and muddle through these last days.  Live in the now and keep an eye on "the prize" ... the new possibilities that are sure to emerge.

I also find myself being tempted to regret things now, another trick of the ego: not having invested more money for retirement, not paying off more of my house so that I could have walked away with huge bags of cash, not trying harder to stay in DC by getting some job I loathed but which would have brought in food and rent,  and not having been even closer to all my dear friends than I was.

But regret at any juncture is sheer madness; it's useless and serves nobody.  The answer to all those regrets is the same: I'm in exactly the right place.  What is what is, what was done was done.  NOW is all that matters.  And now is fast becoming "next week in Florida" (which is just tomorrow's now!)!!!!!

A week from today I'll be a man awakening to a new morning and to the sun in Florida; perched at a  new beginning in a new home.
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