Today is the first day of my official retirement from my job as a technical writer. I did that work, or work like it, for twenty years for the same company. The idea of retiring always seemed like something that would happen when I was decrepit and senile; and it was something that was going to be a big reward for all the hard work I'd done.
Now that it's here, it's anything but any of those things.
But I digress.
My day started around 7:30 a.m. -- yes, I slept in. Normally I rouse myself at 6:00 a.m. to do yoga, drink coffee, and play a tad on the computer. But when I woke up today I felt as if I'd psychically belched in technicolor during the night and that the poison had somehow gotten into my bloodstream. My reality seemed cock-eyed and my mood was flat.
I made my coffee, as usual, and then instead of doing my yoga, I opted to go online. I checked emails, played a bit on fabulis.com, and tooled around at Facebook. Around 11:00 I finally got around to hitting the yoga mat.
And that's when the imaginary psychic poison in me really began to get on my nerves. What the f%(*$@ is all this, I mused to myself as I contorted and stretched myself into delightfully exquisite poses. Physically, the stretches felt wonderful, but simultaneously I was sensing chaos and dread passing through me. And that's when I became elated.
Why? Because this stuff was moving through me whereas in my past it would have stayed stuck. And what is this stuff? Ego BS, that's what.
My ego has a tenacity and brilliance that surpasses pretty much everything ... except, of course, my true Inner Self. In some circles, my friends and I think of the ego as The F#&king Fox. It's a long and rather private story as to how we came up with that term; but it fits the bill completely.
And what was my ego telling me this beautiful last day of July 2010? It was telling me things ... not in a voice but as physical feelings ... that I'm a failure and that I retired too early (but we know that it was really a reflection of my lousy performance or my disinterest in things corporate, or that I'm too old, or some things far, far worse). It was telling me reasons why I should give up all hope and let myself slide into oblivion.
So, as I did my yoga, I tried to be mindful of these physical sensations in my blood -- and not have any additional feelings about them. Just observe them and feel them; and then watch what they do. And what happens when I do that? The feelings pass through me and vanish like magic.
I believe that our physical bodies are the ego's ultimate tool. In fact, it's likely that the body is simply a physical manifestation of the ego -- and nothing more. When the ego runs out of mind tricks and spiritual tricks, it knows it can always distract us by making the mortal body crumble. A headache, a spasm in the knee, gas pains, heart tremors -- all of these these things will take us away from God/dess or Spirit and bind us back into ego's grip.
And what is the ego's grip? It's that sense that we are somehow separate. Separate from love, separate from God/dess-Spirit, and separate from others. And since we are all one anyway, the ego is just stirring up the pot of serenity in an effort to make us suffer. And once we know that illusory ego-instilled pain is inevitable, we can counter that with the notion that suffering is completely optional.
Whether it's emotional, psychic, spiritual, or physical, we can merely observe the illusory pain -- and let it pass through us. The next opportunity you have, try it. When you get some pain or sense of suffering, do not engage it by bringing up all the fears you normally do. Forget what society and doctors and your parents told you about pain. This one time, just observe it and let it go. If your pains are like mine, then left to their own devices (and the ego's devices), they'll either vanish completely or -- more likely -- move to some other place. When that happens, you'll KNOW it's an ego trick.
Anyway, now I'm all psyched to move into my day! I know I'm not decrepit or senile; and this day really is a big reward for all the hard work I'd done. And you know what? That work has had more to do with healing myself than working for some employer for 20 years.
And that's why I'm now feeling really refired!
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